


Light Can't Love, and L Can't be Loved

by ahugemess



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, GAAAYYY, Kissing, M/M, One Shot, Oneshot, Sad, Sad?, Yotsuba Arc, idk what other tags to do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 18:38:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14983169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahugemess/pseuds/ahugemess
Summary: L and Light are confined to 6 feet away from each other, and the closeness brings the inevitable.basically another cliche yotsuba ark 'love' story.





	Light Can't Love, and L Can't be Loved

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this like...god knows how many months ago and i just found it all covered in dust and decided to put it here. its supper over descriptive as u will soon find out but thats just my style i guess. sorry if there are spelling errors, feel free to tell me if there are and i'll fix em. thanks 4 reading

Love is a strong, but devastatingly simple word, and to define the situation Light has found himself entangled in, it seems all too basic in the worst ways. Too cliche, too overused, too underestimated yet equally overestimated in its power. Power, being, it’s ability to take down God himself, because it has taken him down, crumbled the very concrete beneath his feet, so fast, so efficient that he didn’t even have time to catch his breath before stumbling over the edge into the inevitable void. Light is falling, whether he realizes it or not.

When he was young, his mother told him that love ran the world as she stroked his hair with battered hands, fingernails no longer growing from constant scrubbing as she filled her days with cleaning to keep her busy, and wine to filter out the thought that there is always a chance her husband won’t come home. 

“It’s the reason the world turns, Light. It’s everything. Remember that.” At the time, he thought that was just a stupid sentiment that people recite over and over in their stupid little heads to make them feel better, to help cloak the fact that the world, in fact, does not go around because of love, and all the suffering in the world could prove that. But as he watched L’s weightless chest move up and down with each alarmingly irregular breath, spilling out the air he had sucked from Light’s throat last night with every wordless and undeniably skillful kiss, he thinks maybe for once, she had actually been right.

Tragic, he thought, that he could fall into something as common as this. Tragic, that L is truly the reason his world spins only here and only now with a reckless liveliness he's never experienced before and is absolutely certain he never will again.

Except, at the time, he hadn't realized how severe this situation actually was, with his memory of being Kira wiped clean. Absent of Kira’s constant calculations -though Light was filled with them too, just directed in different areas and very different goals - Light was just happy that something was even happening, that forming a crush in the midst of all this exhaustion and dead ends in the investigation couldn't possibly be the worst thing in the world, and in fact may only motivate him further to catch Kira due to his target on L.

Light, an eager, much too clever, much too aware, but not quite indestructible teenage boy was, of course, still prone to these feelings, because perfection is unachievable, Light knew, though Kira vehemently disagrees. 

‘Fine’ was the word that Light would describe what he called this inevitable and painfully predictable crush. Fine, because it couldn't possibly be more than just that, a crush. Fine, because eventually he would never see L again and this whole thing will be over.

And, he tells himself this isn't love, no, this is merely a crush.

Because L can’t be loved and Light can’t love.

\---- ----

It started the way most things do, slow, with little things that turned into bigger more impactful things. They went from staying as far away from each other as possible - with some exceptions on L’s side because of his lack of social awareness and personal space - to being confined to 6 steps away at all times.

Showering was nothing but awkward. L would unlock the cuffs and watch intently as Light undressed as quickly as possible. He went to many lengths to attempt to cover himself, but L’s eyes were unavoidable, and eventually, he not only grew used to L’s eyes methodically scanning him but soon expected it, so much so that it would be weird without.

When it was L’s turn, he made sure he kept his eyes on Light the whole time, he showed no signs of being uncomfortable, and he was terribly shameless as he stripped down to reveal an almost unhealthily skinny body, bones protruding in odd angles, sharp hips that were almost feminine jutting out past his flat stomach. Light always looked away, but when he stole a glance every once in awhile against his own advise - which became much more frequent as time went by - he noted that L had a considerable amount of muscle that shined through his paper-thin skin and veins as blue as the sky.

If L ever caught him looking, he never said anything, it wouldn't even be fair to confront him anyway, but Lights most certain he noticed.

The shower was quite large, large enough for them to spread out to almost the entire length of the chain, but not quite. In the beginning, Light got so far away that his chest would hit the cool white walls of the shower, he faced forward at all times - for the most part - and went through his shower routine as usual, which was considerably longer and more complicated than L’s, L’s simply being just to wash his body and hair with cheap hotel crap in small bottles, while Light had a whole assortment of expensive and unnecessarily luxurious hair products and body wash. L was to thank for that.

Whether L was facing away or not he had no idea, but when he did glance over he was usually busy himself and Light was amazed by how long and flat his hair looked when soaked that he almost laughed out loud thinking of the size it was going to get when it dried, which was far from the only amusing thing about L.

Once they got out they toweled off in silence, and L would watch Light dress and put the cuffs back on.

L never dries his hair and he only puts on a shirt when he feels like it, Light noticed. He leaves spots of water in a trail wherever he goes, and Light tells him he can't get on the bed until it dries.

“Why don't you just put a towel on your head?” Light asked curiously with a light-hearted laugh, one week into the routine.

L shook his head, whipping his hair around like a dog, causing drops of water to fly in all directions. Light suppressed an annoyed eye roll. “It makes my hair frizzy.” 

Light scoffed, unsure of whether L was joking or not. “You of all people worried about frizzy hair? Unbelievable.” 

“Believe it.”

Sleeping, at first, seemed impossible. Incessant tapping from L’s keyboard kept Light up, so he counted them, his mind focusing on nothing but Kira and L, the only two things in his world anymore. Soon enough, though, having L perched beside him, laptop buzzing at his toes, blue screen lighting up the defined angles of his face, quiet breaths barely audible but calmingly rhythmic would send him straight to sleep, like a twisted sort of lullaby.

It was during the end of the second week that they had their first kiss.

They just had finished a shower, and during said shower, they had caught each other stealing glances multiple times, all intentional and hormone-fuelled, with narrowed and expectant eyes. A buildup that would lead, unsurprisingly, to L grabbing Light’s shirt collar and pulling him close the moment they finished getting dressed, speaking low, lower than Light has ever heard his voice get, minty breath from freshly brushed teeth blown between them. 

“You were staring.” L said simply, breath heavy, eyes pooling with something other than cold calculations for the first time, dipped in something dark and red. It was unfamiliar, seeing him like this, but revealing in an arousing way.

Of course, being a teenager, and being kept from human contact for so long, and especially from being able to relieve himself periodically, would result in oversensitivity. So when L’s hand brushed his collarbone even for half a second his skin lit up like a sparkler, making his head swim and his eyes glass over with pure desperation, almost making his knees collapse underneath him. 

He showed no signs of this on the outside.

“You were too.” Light replied, moving forward to the nearest wall and pressing L flat against it.

“Yes, I was.”

And then L kissed him. It was sloppy, L bit him twice, and they clanked teeth more than he’d like to admit. L was clearly very unskilled in this aspect, and Light could have predicted that, yet it threw him off-guard anyway because L is good at everything. Though, this realization that L isn’t an expert in at least one thing only turned him on further, lighting up his ego, igniting a fire in his lower stomach. So, even though L was terrible, the feeling, the contact, the kiss, the taste, all of it, was overwhelmingly good.

They kissed 5 times that night. The first, right after the shower. The second, just when Light tried to pull away after the first kiss. The third, as L was attempting to put on his shirt. The fourth, at 3 am when Light couldn’t sleep and pulled L over him. The fifth, the first time they made eye contact when morning came. 

And, to say L was still unskilled now would be a terrible underestimation. During the second kiss Light noticed that L’s skill had increased dramatically. He was soaking up Light’s ability, and when he got the basics down, he added his own twists and techniques so it felt less like Light was kissing himself, and more like he was kissing L.

By morning, he was probably better than Light, though he’d never admit it out loud. 

It was the middle of the third week when making out at random times became routine, and the thought was burning hot on the edge of Light’s mind all the time.

As soon as they got back to their room they rushed for each other, the feeling never getting old. Satiating something deep within themselves and it was almost too much and it was never enough.

And when they slept, or at least when Light slept, he and L were always touching in some way, and despite being covered with 2 layers of thick blankets in a heated room, he felt cold when he couldn’t feel the warmth radiating from someone he always thought couldn’t be warm.

It was late at night, usually, when L would say things that Light never expects. And it was off-putting because now, over time, L has become predictable in the subtlest of ways.

“You taste good. You taste like summer.” L had said into the crook of Light’s neck, blowing warm air onto the bites he left there earlier.

“Thanks.” Light replied, a little late, because he didn’t have the patience to explain the proper way to compliment people to a man who never compliments.

After 15 minutes of silence, L sat up, breathed in, and threw his shirt across the room.

“Wanna jerk off?”

Yes, it was the night that L said the most unusual and unpredictable things. 

“Yes.” And Light threw off his shirt, too.

It was during the fourth week that Light had realized the complicated feelings stirring in his stomach as he watched L sleep. It was also during the fourth week that Light realized that L probably didn’t feel the same.

“I think I might love you.” Light said, once L had long since woken up and began working, and he said this into his pillows because it was easier to say it there than to his face. Light was embarrassed because he has never ever confessed his love to someone, it was always the other way around. Light was embarrassed because he was embarrassed, and he could say for sure he’s never had a reason to be in his whole life.

“Maybe.” He added, after a much too drawn out silence from L.

“You don’t.” L said, flatly, and continued to type at the same pace.

Light sat up then. “I do.” 

“No, you don’t, Light.” L repeated, hardness in his voice, finally looking at him. His eyes filled with annoyance and calculations once again, a look that had become so familiar, his default expression, a mask, but he hadn’t seen in weeks. Light knew all he saw was Kira.

“I’m not Kira.”

“I don’t love you.”

“You do.” Light swatted L’s hands from the keyboard, slamming the laptop shut and tossing it aside, pulling L close and forcing him to stare into his eyes. “Look at me.” Light demanded, voice stern, but uncharacteristically genuine. “I love you, and you love me.”

L didn’t try to move, he took in Light’s face, hollow eyes hardening further. 

“I can’t love you. I never loved you.”

So Light kissed him, hard, to shut him up. To make him see that, yes, he does love him. They love each other. L didn’t reciprocate, letting himself be moved around limply, and when Light pulled away he was the only one breathing heavy.

“This will pass.” Is all L said as he grabbed his laptop, and unhooked his chained hand and walked towards the door, nodding to the cameras to assure Light he’d still be watching. He left, left Light feeling cold and embarrassed and alone.

Light wanted to go after him, hurt him, but he decided it would be better to go back to sleep, so he did.

The feelings Light developed were present even when his memories of Kira were restored. At first, he didn’t notice them, the feelings were clouded by his goals, he was fuelled with burning desire to finish this, to finish L. It happened slowly, but the memories of what he did without his own superior guidance soon became clear, and it punched a hole through his stomach, making him physically gag when he’d finally gotten to his room alone.

He felt angry, disgusted, betrayed by himself. Every kiss, touch, taste, orgasm, every feeling came flooding to the forefront of his mind, swarming his head like the sick disease it was. He ran into the bathroom and threw up as soon as he saw the toilet.

“What the fuck did you do..” He whispered to himself in between gags, the taste of vomit thick in his mouth.

He sat there for a long while, then took a shower. When he got out he sat on his bed, then decided to take another shower because he felt unclean. The scorching heat leaving his skin red and sensitive was the only thing that could help fill his mind with things other than his greatest enemy roaming his hands along his body, his temple, which was perfectly clean and pure before this.

He was not panicking, on the outside at least, other than muttering curses at himself. On the inside, though, his mind was a racetrack, thoughts shooting by so fast he can't process them, feelings so jumbled that he doesn't recognize any of them. Self-hate being the only thing overwhelming enough to feel. Self-hate for being so manipulable, so dumb, so lovestruck it’s disgusting and worse, disappointing. 

This was enough to send him fast asleep. But only for a short while.

L awoke to Light knocking impatiently on the door.

The look on L’s face said that he both expected and didn't expect this. He looked surprised, but his expression quickly fell back into line as he let Light in.

Light quickly made his way to the bed, laying down and taking in the warmth L had supplied there, the feeling so familiar he almost smiled. But he didn't.

L walked over and laid down beside him. They hadn't said a word. They didn't need to.

But Light wanted to. He was going to. He needed to suppress Lights feelings and put Kira back into power. Put Light back in his place.

“I don't love you.” Light said once L had finally settled in.

“I know.” L replied, simply, and Light could feel his old self pushing through, showing his face, scratching the insides of his mind, begging, screaming. But Kira is stronger.

“I never loved you.” He continued, face hard.

“I know.” L said, once again, bring his long graceful fingers up and tracing them along Lights back in patterns Light recognized well.

Keeping it together then, despite all he’d been through before, was the 2nd hardest thing he had ever done.

The first was holding L’s dying body in his arms the next day.


End file.
